sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Randomize
