Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
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