you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize
