what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize
