I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize
