god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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