my soul wont recognize me after tonight
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Randomize
