chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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