Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
