My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
