can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Randomize
