I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Randomize
