i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Randomize
