Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
