you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
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