just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Randomize
