the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
So my game is weak??
If your game is "Lets have sex, and maybe pizza" then yes.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Randomize
