i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
