i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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