I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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