Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Randomize
