Me. At least after what I've been through.
Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
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Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Randomize