Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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