And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
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