My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
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Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
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Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
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