She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
It's never too late to be topless.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
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