Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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