Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Randomize
