I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Randomize
