my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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