Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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