Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Randomize
