Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Randomize
