Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Randomize
