hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Randomize
