The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
