guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Why is it people are always in costumes on Cheaters these days? Joe Greco literally just said, "It appears they get chased by a chicken with a chainsaw." WTF?
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
When are your genitals available?
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Randomize
