i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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