Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
