neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
