I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Randomize
