I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Randomize
