I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
