When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
the day after is always just damage control
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
