oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Let's get the cat blown out
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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