How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Randomize
