Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
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