Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
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So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
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Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Dear god my vagina.
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