I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I said "one day" and that day is not today
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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