Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
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