FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
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