I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize
