I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Randomize
