I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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