i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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