On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Randomize
