I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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