i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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