look no pants
I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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